March 2010 Archives

I don't know why I thought parenthood would be much different from my past jobs in terms of progress.  I know I've had a short run as far as the job world is concerned but all my jobs have been working with people that don't change/improve quickly.  Being a Catholic Worker, a case manager for Meals on Wheels, a high school teacher, and now a mother, I've learned to revel in small victories.

It's such a weird thing that you have to teach babies how to sleep.  As essential as water, sleep is such a biological necessity that you would think that babies would instinctively do it.  Nope.  Especially not the Squeaker.  She has been a bad sleeper from day one. 

From the day she was born, she would not sleep by herself or put herself to sleep.  Those few nights in the hospital consisted of me and Kraft sleeping off and on an hour to hold her because every time we'd put her in the little bassinet, she would start wailing. 

When we brought her home.  Same thing.  She would not stay asleep unless she was in someone's arms.  For the first three weeks of her life, we alternated between having her sleep on her diaper pad in our bed between me and Kraft and in our arms.  I would take the 1-4am shift and Kraft would take the 4-7am shift.  We realized quickly that we needed more sleep than this. 

Then I figured out how to sleep on the couch sitting up propped up by pillows while holding her so that she wouldn't roll off of me during the night.  This lasted a couple more weeks. 

Then I found that if I rocked her for a couple hours until she was soundly asleep I could lay her down on our couch and lay down next to her and she'd stay asleep for 30mins or so until I'd have to rock her to sleep again.  This lasted about another month. (She was 3 months old at the end of this stage.) 

Then I could rock her for a couple hours and lay her down (extremely carefully) in our bed and she would stay asleep maybe an hour at a time.  Of course she would wake up at the slightest noise.  A car alarm going off, people walking by the apartment and talking too loudly, a cat meowing, anything would wake her up.  So there I would go again to the rocking chair for a few more hours until she was sound asleep.  I got so sick of this rocking chair.  Cracker Barrel sure can sell a sturdy, cheap rocking chair but man is it uncomfortable and hard on the back.  There were some nights that I totally thought I was going to go crazy from rocking for hours then putting her down only to wake up 5 minutes later. 

One night out of sheer desperation I swaddled her.  She had fought this like a fiend before this point.  She would scream as if we were killing her when we had tried the swaddle previously.  But magically this time, she was fine.  In fact, she slept like 4 hours straight.  Hallelujah.  Praise the Lord.  Between 3.5 and 4.5 months she started sleeping super well. She was sleeping about 5 hours stretches at night in a swaddle. 

Then she started learning how to break out of the swaddle and by 5 months we couldn't do it anymore.  Damn.  After coming to hate rocking O to sleep, I figured out how to nurse her to sleep lying down in our bed and then sneaking away when she was asleep.  This still took forever but at least I could lay down during it and rest while trying to get her asleep.  Now, of course, she cannot fall asleep unless she is nursing.  She won't even fall asleep rocking anymore, which while I hated rocking before, now means that Kraft cannot help with putting her to sleep.  Damn, again. 

For the last month we've been following Elizabeth Pantley's No-Cry Sleep Solution techniques to wean O from having to nurse to sleep.  Pantley said it would be a gradual weaning and, man, it sure is.  Here we are one month later and we have made very little progress in that department. 

However, yesterday was a glorious day.  It took two hours to get O to finally fall asleep around 9pm.  She did not wake up until 3:30am, at all.  I kept going in to make sure she was still breathing because it was so unbelievable.  Of course tonight she woke up 5 times in 4 hours but that is neither here nor there.  She slept six and a half hours yesterday without waking up. 

I will take this one small victory and pray for more in the near future.

I am so happy that the USCCB issued this statement about Obama's executive order.  I think they said exactly what needed to be said.  Here are the cliff notes that I felt laid my concerns in my previous post to rest:

1) The Church has always and will always call for "reform of our health care system so that all may have access to the care that recognizes and affirms their human dignity."

Universal health care is good.  It is not Communism.

2) They "applaud the effort to expand health care for all". 

While they may not agree with everything in the bill, I'm glad they at least recognize that this a step toward something that benefits the common good.

3) The reason they have opposed the bill is because "the statute appropriates billions of dollars in new funding without explicitly prohibiting the use of these funds for abortion, and it provides federal subsidies for health plans covering elective abortions."

This is a fair point.  Congress is asking us to trust them that the funds will not go to abortions when there is not specific language in the bill saying this.  I can see how the bishops would be weary of these promises.

4) The bishops "share fully the admirable intention of President Obama expressed in his pending Executive Order, where he states, 'it is necessary to establish an adequate enforcement mechanism to ensure that Federal funds are not used for abortion services.'

Also fair point.  Obama saying that an "adequate enforcement mechanism" should be established to make sure funds aren't used for abortion means that there is nothing like this in place nor does it give a plan how to put one in place.

5) But they "do not understand how an Executive Order, no matter how well intentioned, can substitute for statutory provisions."

Point taken.  We would all rest easier if the wording was just put in the bill.

6) The USCCB states that they and "many others will follow the government's implementation of health care reform and will work to ensure that Congress and the Administration live up to the claims that have contributed to its passage."

Basically, we've got our eye on you, Obama and Congress.  We pray that they live up to these promises.

7) "As bishops, we wish to recognize the principled actions of the pro-life Members of Congress from both parties, in the House and the Senate, who have worked courageously to create legislation that respects the principles outlined above. They have often been vilified and have worked against great odds."

Thank you for saying this bishops.  It cannot be easy to work in politics.  Especially pro-life democrats have been "vilified" and I'm glad that the USCCB has recognized that.

I'm glad that the bishops came through.  While I know they bishops were not responding to me, they answered my questions.

Thanks Mr. K for sending me this link.

The Health Care Reform Bill.  I will be the first one to admit that I don't know much about politics.  The following things are more interesting to me than politics: the cell division and multiplication of fungi in stagnate water in southeast Texas, watching paint dry, learning the theory behind actuarial science, the mating ritual of some extinct frog that only existed in New Zealand.  You get the point.  I have tried countless times to keep up with bills that are trying to be passed, candidates running for election, city council stuff.  I just can't do it.  I even have tried to subscribe to newsletters that dumb it down and simplify all this political stuff but I still can't seem to wrap my head around it.

That being said, sometimes issues come along that are big enough to even catch my interest, ie. the Health Care Reform Bill.

Our health care system is crazy messed up.  It is too hard and too expensive for people to access health care.  I worked at a clinic that served undocumented immigrants.  They have no way of getting health care unless they are pregnant or literally on their death bed but they have all the same medical problems that citizens have.  I know this bill won't help undocumented immigrants but I'm sure American citizens living in poverty struggle with the same inability to access affordable health care.  These people have diabetes, cancer, heart problems, high cholesterol, thyroid problems, allergies, and life-threatening diseases, too.  Even if you find a doctor that is somewhat inexpensive to see, the meds that people need are so expensive.  Sure the hospital has to care for people if they go to the emergency room but they are not taken seriously at all.  I've seen people discharged from the hospitals after amputations with no pain meds.  I've met a women who literally had cancer growing out of her side discharged with no medical plan for Hospice or anything.  If you don't have insurance, you're just screwed.

Our health care system sucks.  I was very surprised to find that the USCCB is not in support of the HCR bill because of two points outlined by Cardinal DiNardo in a letter to Reps.  The first point is that the bill allows federal funding to be used for elective abortions (which has been answered with Obama's executive order).  The second is that the bill does not help give legal immigrants universal health care but rather makes them wait five years to receive Medicaid.  Has anyone even heard of the second point?  No, because the pro-life lobby has decided that abortion is the end all be all of the Catholic conscience.

I have always and still do trust the wisdom of the Church.  I believe that bishops have been given this authority to guide their flock.  But I can't quite understand where the disconnect happened with the USCCB.  Around election time back in November, the USCCB kept saying that we cannot be single issue voters.  We cannot vote Republican just based on the abortion issue.  We have to take all issues into account and make a decision.  But now the USCCB is saying that we cannot support the HCR bill because it does not specifically uphold the Hyde Amendment?  This seems to be going against what they had previously told us.  So we should completely discredit a bill that would help 30 million people receive health care?  I just do not understand their reasoning.

I don't pretend to know all the ins and outs of Obama's reform but why not give it a shot.  At least he's trying to do something.  At least he's not just throwing his hands in the air and saying, "This is messed up but it's too complicated to fix."  At least there is a plan to make it better.  Why not try.

I'm all for trusting our bishops and following their shepherding but I'm really tired of bishops and priests implying that we are bad Catholics if we are not Republicans.  Abortion is a HUGE issue, I agree.  I believe that abortion should be abolished as much as the next pro-lifer but am I really a bad Catholic if I think that this bill is a good thing?  Can we really look at politics in such a black and white manner?  Oh, the HCR would put into action the Preferential Option for the Poor but if there is not explicit wording against abortion then we have to scrap the whole thing. 

The pro-life lobby is clamoring that the Hyde Amendment wording be put into the bill or it shouldn't be approved.  But if we are going to continue on this totally uncompromising train of thought then shouldn't they want even more than the Hyde Amendment?  The Hyde Amendment still allows for abortion in cases of rape, incest, and mother endangerment.  The Church believes that abortion is never ok, even in these cases (of course these cases would require plenty of support and counseling and pastoral care).  But why stop there, let's not support health care reform if it pays for birth control which is also against Church teaching?  Or if it pays for Viagara prescriptions?  Or if it pays for the MMR and chickenpox vaccines because these vaccines were developed from fetuses?  Can we really play this all or nothing game with politics?  Then we could never vote for anyone or anything.  Neither party perfectly upholds Catholic morals.  So who got to decide that abortion would decide everything?   

Even after all this criticism, Obama has issued an executive order upholding the Hyde Amendment.  But the pro-life lobby is still not happy saying that an executive order is useless.  But of course these are the same people that applauded Bush for his executive order limiting stem cell research.

Obama is holding up his end of the deal.  He said from the beginning that he is open to conversation and that he is keeping an open mind in these discussions regarding abortion.  This is him giving a little.  Can't we give a little and give him the benefit of the doubt?   

Seriously something has to be done about health care.  Enough talking.  Our system needs to be shaken up.  Time for action.

I really love the Church and know that the Holy Spirit works through its leaders.  I especially have the utmost respect for Cardinal DiNardo who I believe is a good, good man and a good shepherd.  But really, I don't understand this.

God help us.

Here are some more interesting articles I've come across:
http://voices.washingtonpost.com/postpartisan/2010/03/in_defense_of_bart_stupak.html
http://www.commonwealmagazine.org/crying-wolf

 

Ok, I just spent the last couple hours writing my thoughts about the Health Care Reform Bill.  After I finished writing I decided to look up what the USCCB has to say about it.  I found that the USCCB disagrees with my conclusions.  Because of this I've decided to unpublish my post and reflect on it a little more.

In the mean time, here are some a-ma-zing music videos we've been watching over and over again by the band, OK go.  I usually don't like watching things on YouTube but these are completely worth the time.  They are really works of art.


#1 The first one: Here It Goes Again (The Treadmill Video)


#2 That video inspired the Notre Dame marching band to do this routine at the USC game in 2008:




#3 The ND routine inspired the OK go band to use the ND band in one of their next music videos: This Too Shall Pass


#4 OK go then made another video for the same song that is totally mind blowing; if you only watch one of these videos, watch this one:

I've been trying to figure out the idea of complementarity for a while now.  I first really started to try and figure this out when I was studying JPII's Theology of the Body in college.  Understanding this idea of men and women complementing each other is especially important to understanding the Church's teaching about gay marriage. 

I believe in the idea of complementarity but I don't quite understand it in a concrete sense.  Any time I've heard someone try to explain it, it seems that the traits they assign to men and women are stereotypical.  Like women are nurturing and caring blah, blah, blah.

Over the course of the last 6 months I definitely have observed this complementarity of husband and wife, mother and father.  I see how different the roles are.

Since having the Squeaker my life is 100% different.  There is not a single thing I can do whenever I want.  If I'm hungry, I can eat depending on if O is napping or if she is content in the Exersaucer for a while.  If I need to shower, it depends what mood O is in so that I can sneak away for a few minutes.  If I need to go to the bathroom in the middle of a trip to Target, well, I just have to hold it until we get home because I have not been able to figure out how to do this with O.  I don't resent this (most days) because I know that this comes with being a mother.  My life is now tied to my baby because her survival and development depends on me. 

I really enjoy being a mother.  But motherhood really is all encompassing.  If she's hungry, she looks to me.  If she's crying, she looks to me.  If she's sleepy, she looks to me.  If I want to go out with some girlfriends, I have to bring O with me or pump a bottle to leave with Kraft.  If I want a drink, I have to time it so that O won't want to eat for a couple hours.  If I want to go shopping, I have to go in between O's naps so she doesn't melt down in the middle of the store.  If I want to cook, I have to cook in spurts when O's in a good mood.  If I want to pick up any new hobbies or join any new clubs, well, all that stuff is on hold for a while unless it's a mommy club.  Basically, my entire day revolves around O. 

Fatherhood, on the other hand, is totally different.  When Kraft wants to hang out with his friends, he does.  When Kraft needs to go to work, he does.  When Kraft needs to go to a Knights meeting, he does.  When Kraft needs to pick up his prescription from the pharmacy, he does.  When Kraft wants to get some air and get out of the house, he does.  When Kraft wants to drink a beer, he does.  When Kraft wants to run a half-marathon, he does.  When Kraft wants to become a 4th degree Knight, he does.

Sure Kraft's life is different, but not in the same way.  He changed jobs and helps out with O but his life really is very much the same as before.  His life is not quite as affected as mine is.  Even Kraft's sense of sacrifice and responsibility is different from mine.   

I wonder if this is the complementarity that I've been trying to figure out. 

When O wakes up crying at night, even if I'm exhausted, I'm up and tending to her.  When Kraft is exhausted he can't do anything to keep himself awake. 

On the flipside, if O is teething, Kraft is already tying his shoes and ready to be out the door to get teething medicine.  I would instead just wait it out til morning. 

I don't particularly enjoy doing laundry but I know it has to be done so I do it.  Getting Kraft to do an interpretative dance in the detergent aisle at HEB is more likely to happen than getting him to help with laundry. 

But Kraft notices when my car needs an oil change and promptly takes it to the mechanic.  If left up to me, Mickey (that's my car - Mickey Montero) would probably run 10,000 miles without an oil change. 

I know the things I used to do with my free time, - like running or going for a drink with friends - my old "me" time activities, can't really happen so I have to adapt.  Instead of going for a run, I try to take O for walks.  Instead of going out for a drink, I make play dates or have friends come over to watch Project Runway.  Kraft, on the other hand, has not really had to adapt his "me" time.  He still goes to guys' nights, he signs up for half-marathons, he still goes to KoC meetings. 

But he does stay up late at night trying to figure out how to make my blog as pretty as I want it because I ask him to.  He's been asking me to help him with organizing our finances for a while and I still have yet to do it. 

Although I sent them out super late, I still make sure to write thank you notes to people for important occasions.  Kraft has still not written the 16 thank you notes that I assigned him (out of 160) after our wedding. 

But he does make sure to send every one of his friends on Facebook a birthday note on their birthday.  I honestly can't even  remember my best friends' birthdays and usually think about them a couple months too late. 

I can tell you exactly where everything is in our home.  Where O's little mittens are, where Kraft keeps his cufflinks, where the measuring tape is.  Kraft has to ask me where every single thing is.

But Kraft keeps the calendar and reminds of events we need to attend like birthday parties and such.

I know we need to keep working on finding a balance.  I think we need to find a way that I get some time to myself, at least once in a while.  I've been craving some alone time in the corner of a coffee shop with a big, piping mug of Chai latte and this laptop to work on some posts that have been swimming around my head for a while.  I also would really like to start running again.  I'm not dying to get this baby weight off but I would like to make some progress toward it.  I would like to go out with friends more.  I would like us to work more on our spirituality as a family.  More daily Masses, more praying, more celebrating saints' feast days.

I love my family, though.  I love my daughter.  I love my husband.  Even now as I was working on this post he plugged a power cord in and cleared off the bed in our second bedroom so we could work on stuff in the same room.  He really does a lot for our family.  I guess I just want to feel like we're more of a team.  Not just him working on his stuff and me working on home stuff.  But both of us working together.

Maybe I'm not any closer to being able to articulate what traits men and women have that complement one another but thank God me and Kraft have different strengths and weaknesses or else we'd have two broken down cars and no clean clothes.

Today Kraft became a 4th degree Knight of Columbus.  This means that he can wear the hat with the plumes and the cape and the sword.  That is of course when we have the dinero to purchase all that.  Nonetheless, the idea of it is pretty exciting.

The more that I meet Knights, the more I think that the Knights of Columbus have a height requirement to become one of the higher ups.  Kraft's boss is the general agent which means that he oversees all the field agents in Central Texas.  This guy is super nice but he is huge.  I was a bit taken aback the first time I opened the door to him.  He's just really a tall man.  He played baseball in college so he has that build.  Then today at the 4th degree ceremony Mass, there were certain guys with different colored plumes and capes.  These guys either oversaw the districts of Knights councils or had other big important jobs.  All these higher ups definitely had the body type of a bouncer.  Tall, big, tough looking.

So I've come to the conclusion that to get a job in the Knights of Columbus up the ladder, you better be tall and intimidating.  Sorry Kraft, I guess you're out of luck.

I'm pretty sure it's going to take a long time for the Squeaker to learn her name because we hardly ever call her by her name.  This is a list of the names that we call her on a regular basis:

O
Oli
Livy
Libby
Bear
Baby Bear
Little Bear
Hungry Bear
Milky Bear
Poopy Bear
Binky Bear
Bink
Binksy
Binkerton
Chubbs
Chubbers
Chubberton
Chubbington
Grumpy Mumkins
Grump
Pill
Poopy
Poophead
Punkface
Belly Muffin
Squeaker
Squeaksy
Squeaks
Squeakies
Squirt
Squirt-alert

Man, poor kid.  She's never going to learn her name.

The Squeaker finally got her first tooth! 

I'm not sure when exactly it came in but today I was rubbing some teething medicine on her gums and I felt a tooth.  Upon further investigation and a lot of coaxing for O to get her mouth open wide enough, I saw it.  A little bit of tooth popping up from the gum.  Yay!  She has been fussy and grumpy and drooly for the last 3 months with nothing to show for it.  Now she does. 

Let's pray for a good set of teeth and not teeth like her mommy and daddy.

I just returned from The Woods today with the Squeaker.  It is Spring Break in El Paso so a lot of my family, including my grandma, caravan-ed out to Houston to stay with my parents for the week.  4 out of my dad's 7 siblings were at my parents house along with their families.  Now I love El Paso and going to El Paso to see everyone but I love it even more when they come to Houston to stay with the 'rents.  At one point there were 25 family members in the house.

We went to El Paso over New Year's.  Sometimes there are good visits with the fam and sometimes there are not so good visits.  It's just the way the cookie crumbles.  This New Year trip to introduce la familia to Olivia was a not so good one.  I just was not prepared for the onslaught of parenting advice that we got and by the end was totally burnt out.

This visit was not like that at all.  It was great.  I thoroughly enjoyed every moment of it.  It was what a family should be and I wished that my family lived closer so that we could have these moments more often.  It was just so nice to have everyone sitting wherever they could find space eating beans and rice and enchiladas.  It reminded me of the times when we still lived in El Paso and at least once a week we would have dinners like this at my grandma's.  Like Thanksgiving or Christmas but without all the pressure and expectations.

I really want Olivia to experience this all the time.  I know that we will only be able to go to El Paso a couple times a year.  Maybe we could get our friends together for something like this.  I don't know.  Maybe I just miss my family.  They're big, they're loud, they're pushy, they're busybodies but, man, do I love 'em.

It's funny to me how different the crowds are that flock to Austin for whatever event is in town.  And the way I get to see these different crowds is at our HEB.  I have a love/hate relationship with our HEB.  I like the idea of it.  The idea of the super diverse crowd that shops at it.  It's not all yuppies, college students, and professionals but it's also lots of Hispanic families, a lot of homeless people, especially ones with mental health issues.  I do wish, though, that the milk refrigerators didn't always smell rancid and I swear we get the leftover/blemished and bruised produce from other HEBs.  Anywho, this is what I have observed:

ACL - Lots of scantily clad people flood our HEB.  Guys in baggy cargo shorts and flip flops.  Girls in bikinis with see-through/meshy shirts to cover themselves while inside.  Immodesty abounds but they get their comeuppance when the next week everyone is a bright pink color and peeling.

The Biker Convention - There is lots of black leather, bandanas, and women with hair that is way too long for their age tied in braids.  I also see very interesting uses for leather in women's tops.  Leather fringe, leather with studs, leather halter tops, leather tube tops.  Strangely enough the women usually look fake-baked tan and wear this almost glowing neon pink shade of nail polish.

SXSW - This week I have seen the people that SXSW brings.  Girls and guys is skin-tight skinny jeans with converse shoes, fedora hats, pale people mostly.  Guys with hair that looks deceptively unkempt but actually took them 30 mintues to fix in the morning.  It seemed their purchased item of choice was lots of beer and I observed a quite a few boxes of Franzia on the conveyor belts.  (Funny quote by someone recently: Life is too short to drink Franzia.)

I love that Austin attracts all these different people.  What I don't love is the driving.  Austin visitors suck at driving.  They drive super slow because their trying to take a picture of the Capitol from their car while simultaneously swerving across lanes of traffic because they see an open parking spot. 

Ausitn visitors - we're glad you're here.  We don't even mind that you're weird and wear inappropriate clothes, but if you make me miss another green light because you're pointing out Hey Cupcake! I'm going to throw a cupcake at you and mess up your fauxhawk.   

I've been a bit absent from blogging for a few days.  I'm working on some posts about my grandma which are proving to take longer to write than I anticipated.  So to the two of you, other than my husband, that read this, I'll be back with some interesting stuff in a few days.  For now I leave you with this...

I watch the Food Network like it's going out of style.  I was watching one of those competition shows where contestants are given ingredients and they have half an hour to make something.  Well, in this one, one of the ingredients was fresh pasta which all of them screwed up.  One of the judges said the following to the first guy:

"My biggest pet peeve is pasta that sticks together.  I feel a lot of anger toward that."

I feel a lot of anger toward poorly cooked pasta?  This guy takes food way too seriously. 

This ranks up there with the time I was watching Iron Chef (the original) and a flaky actress who was a judge said, "The asparagus is like a beautiful woman coming out of the night."  What?

I just thought this was funny and want to use that line all the time now.

Olivia always rubs rice cereal into her eyes.  I feel a lot of anger toward rice.

Welcome Bishop Joe Vasquez!

Our new Bishop of the Diocese of Austin was installed today!
 
I am filled with pride that he is Mexican-American.  The Hispanic population of Austin is really growing fast and there are great expectations that he will do great things for this diocese.  He appears to be a very reserved person but I'm eager to see what he does.  Archbishop Oscar Romero started off as very reserved.  That's what I love about the Church.  You just never have any idea how the Holy Spirit will work through someone.

I'm not sure what was different but I thought this was one of the most memorable Academy Awards shows I have seen.  The actors and actresses just seemed really sincere and humble and gracious.  (And I thought the dresses were fabulous.)  This really struck me as very different from shows in the past.  All the memorable winners in the past have been people that have gone nuts when their names were called.  Cuba Gooding Jr.  Roberto Benigni.  They were running around, jumping, so excited. 

This is the opposite of how Monique and Sandra Bullock reacted when their names were called.  I'm not sure they even smiled but their words were gracious and seemed genuine.  With the look that Sandra Bullock had on her face, I actually thought she was going to refuse the award .  I don't think it's bad for actors/actresses to be happy and excited when they win but this change in the etiquette for winning an Oscar is kinda awesome. 

I thought Sandra's speech was really touching.  I thought the way she talked about moms and her mom was really something that America needs to hear.  Too many parents want to be "cool" and want to be their kids' "friend".  You can't do this.  You have to be their parents.  You don't get good parent points when your 8 year old looks "hot" or when you let your kids do whatever they want because you want to be "down".  I want to be the kind of mom that Helga B. was.  A good mom.

Here's Sandra Bullock's speech if you're interested:

"Did I really earn this or did I just wear you all down?  I would like to thank the Academy for allowing me the last month to have the most incredible ride with rooms full of artists that I see tonight, that I've worked with before and I hope to work with in the future. Who inspire me; who blaze trails for us. 

Four of them that I have fallen deeply in love with, I share this night with and this award with.  Gabby, I love you so much.  You are exquisite.  You are beyond words to me.  Carey your grace and your elegance and your beauty and your talent makes me sick.  Helen, I feel like we are family, real family and I don't have the words to express just what I think of you.  Meryl, you know what I think of you and you're such a good kisser.  

I have so many people to thank for my good fortune in this lifetime and this is a once in a lifetime experience, I know.  To the family that allowed me to play them, the Tuohy family, who I know are in here.  You'll probably hear her in a minute.  Maybe not.  Thank you for giving me the opportunity to play you.  To the family that made this film that gave me the opportunity to do something different. [Listed people I don't know]  To everyone who showed me kindness when it wasn't fashionable I thank you.  To everyone who was mean to me, George Clooney threw me in a pool years ago, I'm still holding a grudge.

But there are so many people to thank but there's not enough time so I'd like to thank what this film was about to me which is the moms that take care of the babies and the children no matter where they come from.  Those moms and parents never get thanked.  I in particular failed to thank one.

If I can take this moment to thank Helga B. for not letting me ride in cars with boys until I was 18 because she was right.  I would've done what she said I was gonna do. For making me practice every day when I got home.  Piano, ballet, whatever it is I wanted to be. She said to be an artist, you had to practice every day, and for reminding her daughters that there's no race, no religion, no class system, no color, nothing, no sexual orientation that makes us better than anyone else. We are all deserving of love. So, to that trailblazer, who allowed me to have that.  And this.  And this.  I thank you so much for this opportunity that I share with these extraordinary women and my lover, Meryl Streep."

The whole Meryl Streep lover thing was kinda weird but I'm all for actors and actresses using their celebrity to inspire America to be humble and good parents.

This is one of a gazillion nicknames I have for the Squeaker.  Since I'm with her just about every second of every day I come up with a new name for her pretty often.  The list of them is for a later post.  But I reserve Grumpy Mumkins for when she's being a total grouch. 

I have been following the facebook updates of several people that have had babies recently.  They are so joyous and happy.  All their posts talk about how happy they are and how every moment with their baby is a beautiful gift that takes their breath away.  That life is perfect and they could never imagine the happiness they would feel all the time with a child.

Reading this filled me with complete and utter annoyance.  These babies are only in their first months.  These people should be sleep deprived and hormonal.  Our first month with O was really hard.  Ok, let's be honest, it was kind of miserable.  She wouldn't let us put her down.  Ever.  She didn't sleep unless she was in someone's arms.  Breastfeeding was super difficult.  And because hormones were up and down trying to settle into their pre-pregnancy ways, I was a wreck.  A total wreck.  Those first months, the name of the game was survival.  Every day I was totally in love with my daughter and was so happy to be a mom but that doesn't mean it was kittens and rainbows all the time.  These people posting these facebook messages, come on, [gag] give me a break.

I shared these sentiments with Kraft at dinner one night.  My very wise husband knows that sometimes I need to say things that are in my head even if they're dumb.  He knows that he doesn't particularly have to respond or tell me that I'm being dumb because I'll figure it out.  I need time to mull it over.  So after I stated my case he just sat their and looked at me while munching on dinner.  I stared at him for a few seconds, "Am I being a jerk?"  "Eh, a little."  Munching continued.

I know.  I was being a jerkface.  After giving it some more thought, I realized that I was annoyed by these happy and joyous statements because they made me feel like a bad mom.  I felt like I was a bad mom for not enjoying labor.  A bad mom for sometimes getting so frustrated with O that I had to give her to Brandon because I wanted to drop her.  A bad mom for not being happy every second that I held O.  A bad mom because I wanted to scream if O woke up again during the night crying.

No.  I am not a bad mom.  My experience and the way I cope with things is just different.  Can't I just let these moms revel in the joy that is a new child without pooping on their parade?  Yes, I can.  I have these wonderful joy-filled moments with O everyday.  Motherhood, along with being fun and great, is a life of sacrifice, of frustration, of pain, of loneliness, of confusion, of second-guessing, of total responsibility and accountability.  But then in the middle of these moments, your little squeaker looks up at you and gives you a huge grin from ear to ear and your soul feels like it is soaring.  And you just have to say, you little punk.

New moms - be cheesy, be ecstatic, be angry, be sleepy, be whatever you need to be.  In the end we know you are completely in love with your baby even if you don't feel it every moment of every day.

I'll stop being a grumpy mumkins.  Without the bitter the sweet ain't as sweet, right?

Brilliant is what the Exersaucer is.  This is the first toy that we have found that the Squeaker will stay occupied in for more than 5 minutes.  It's awesome.  This is a conversation that Kraft and O just had while she was playing in it:

O: [chewing on a toy fish attached to the Exersaucer]
K: Honey, it's not Friday.  You don't have to eat fish today.

I love my family.

PS.  For those wondering, this is not a pic of O.  Just some stock photo.

I think most people would characterize me as a modest person but motherhood changes all sorts of things.  No, that doesn't mean I walk around in a micro-mini and a bra but my modesty, as far as breastfeeding goes, went out the window in NYC.  Like I mentioned in a previous post, you just have to nurse wherever you are because you can't go to your car or anything like that.  It was actually really liberating finally becoming comfortable with breastfeeding in public.  I was always just so nervous that someone was going to think I was being indecent.  Thankfully, S was really supportive and made me feel like it was not a big deal to feed the Squeaker wherever we were no matter how cramped the space was.

So I discreetly threw a blanket over my shoulder and fed O in the following places:

Grey Dog's Coffee - I enjoyed a delicious apple cider here.  There was a couple here that was super PDAing it but they kept admiring O.  I wonder if she was pregnant.

Suzu Sushi - We walked in and were the only customers in the restaurant for a good 40 minutes.  It was kinda funny, the whole place was empty but they sat us right up against the window.
 
The Met - Right by the Medieval Art section.  It was kinda beautiful to feed O surrounded by paintings of Mary and Jesus.  The American Wing with the Tiffany's stained glass window was really amazing.

St. Ignatius of Loyola Catholic Church - We ducked into this church when it was snowing like crazy and there was lots of slush everywhere because the plows hadn't come through yet.  What a refuge we found.  And it worked out perfectly because we arrived 30mins before daily Mass so we sat and prayed (O ate) and then we stayed for Mass.  When we left the sidewalks were a lot better.  Store owners had shoveled the areas in front of their stores so it was much more navigable.
 
Otto Pizzeria - Talk about cramped.  I couldn't feed O at the table because the tables around us were so close together that I would have had one elbow in the table on either side of us.  I had to feed her in the bathroom.  This is actually the first place O ever sat in a highchair.  What a rock star.

Rockefeller Center - After eating at Otto's, we went and bought some cupcakes at Magnolia Bakery.  We took the cupcakes to the bottom floor of Rockefeller Center and ate them as we watched people ice skating.  Yum.

Who cares, you may ask.  Me.  Just wanting to remember how my modesty was changed for the better on this trip. 

No, not Farouk Shami. 

Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream has pledged to go totally Fair Trade by 2013!  How awesome is that.  What trailblazers.  I really hope other businesses start catching on to this.  So many places say they support Fair Trade business but only offer like one coffee selection that is Fair Trade.  Ben & Jerry's is going to go Fair Trade for every ingredient they use that can possibly be Fair Trade.

You go Ben & Jerry's!

When I taught last year there was one student who I will forever remember because of a statement he made.  I believe he said it during a discussion about the election between McCain and Obama.  He stood up and proclaimed the following to the class (dead serious):

"Fox News is a beacon of light."

It took a lot not to die laughing in front of the class.  I think of this all the time.

In NYC when the Squeaker and I were on our own wandering around Union Square in the rain by ourselves, I remembered this quote.  Squeaksy had been asleep for a while and I knew she was going to wake up soon and be starving.  In Austin I'm always able to go out to the car if she needs to be fed and we're out of the house but here, what was I going to do?  No car.  Not anywhere near home.  Ok, I saw a Starbucks.  I guess I'll go in there, order a chai tea and park myself in a corner with a blanket and feed her.  Awkward but whatever.  Then as I am walking toward Starbucks, I see it.  My beacon of light.  Babies 'R Us.  Hallelujah.  They have what's called "A Mothers Room" that has changing tables, comfy couches to use while nursing, and very serene hues of blue and green on the wall.  I've never been more relieved. 

Babies 'R Us - huge national chain but whatever, they know their **it.

When we were planning our trip to NY Kraft asked me what I wanted to do in the city.  The only thing I for sure wanted to do was eat pancakes at the Clinton Street Baking Co.  We learned about this restaurant on "Throwdown with Bobby Flay".

First off, let me say that restaurants in NYC are tiny and crammed with tables.  These places are very efficient with their space.  So we walk into this place that has no more than 12 tables and bump into the owner.  I recognized him from the TV show.  He stopped and looked at Olivia and said, "Ah, well, aren't you guys brave to be out there with her?"  And smiled and walked out.  Super nice guy.  We got a table immediately.  Kraft ordered the blueberry pancakes (their famous for these) and I ordered their banana and chocolate pancakes.

It was a really hard hike to this place.  It was really snowing a lot.  The ground was slushy.  I was slipping all over the place.  Man, these pancakes better be worth all this trouble.  They totally were.  Oh my goodness, these pancakes were delicious.  Mine had fried bananas on top with a drizzle of chocolate sauce.  They are served with warm maple butter.  That's right, m-a-p-l-e b-u-t-t-e-r.  I'm so sad that they don't have this in Austin.  I've never eaten such good pancakes.  I don't know what their recipe is for them but I will definitely be trying Bobby Flay's recipe and see if they're anywhere near as good.

If you are in NY, go to this place.  Really, you'll love it.

I had been to NYC once before this last week but this trip was different.  I had a baby.  This made all the difference in the world.  Getting around NY with a baby gives you a very unique peek into Yankee hospitality.  When we arrived in NY I had an instant dread of how rudely we were going to be treated since having the Squeaker with us meant that we were going to be moving around more slowly than most.  I could not have been more wrong.

We did a lot of bus/subway/tram rides around town.  Let's say we rode an average of 6 rides on public transit per day and we were in NY for 6 days.  Every single time (except for one tram ride) someone gave up their seat for me since I was carrying O.  (If you want a visual, I was carrying her in a Moby)  I was floored.  These hardened New Yorkers were giving up their seats for me.  An obviously wide-eyed, naive tourist.  How nice.

This hospitality, though, definitely is different from the southern kind.  It's not warm.  There's no small talk.  They just do it and pretend nothing happened.  It's just helpful.  As if everyone is secretly looking out for everyone else without letting down the icy, don't-mess-with-me guard.  After being privy to this side of NY life, I really saw this attitude everywhere I went.  

Our friend, S, broke her foot a few years back and had to walk around with a boot for a while.  I think she described it perfectly with the following: "I would get on the subway with my boot and a big, tough guy would get up and offer his seat.  It's not a 'Oh, you poor thing.  Here, take my seat.'  It's more a 'Take the seat, bitch' kind of thing."

The first time we encountered this was when Kraft was trying to give me directions to Union Square where I was going to meet S.  He was going in the opposite direction to get to his conference.  The idea of me and O wandering around NY alone was scary but I didn't want to be stuck at the apartment alone either.  We stood there in front of the escalators with Kraft giving me directions and me obviously in a semi-panic when this guy kinda yelled at us across the lobby and asked where we were going.  New Yorkers, I found out later, are really used to giving lost people directions.  I saw this happen countless times as we rode around the city.  Later, S told me that everyone will help you get on the right subway because everyone knows how much it sucks to be on the wrong train and lost.

Another thing I noticed was that the people that offered me their seats spanned all classes, ethnicities, ages, and English-speaking abilities.  I don't remember every single person that offered me their seat but I do remember a middle-aged, nicely dressed white woman; a Hispanic teeny-bopper with a Bob Marley necklace and a crazy strong Brooklyn accent; and an older Indian man who barely spoke English.  Seriously, everyone was willing to give up their seat.  The second I got on a subway train, if there were people standing, they would start looking at the people sitting to see who was going to get up for me.  Kind of like if no one was going to get up right away, the people standing would stare them down until someone did. 

I got to see this happen to pregnant women, too.  Whenever a pregnant woman would get on the subway or bus I would watch to see how people reacted to her.  You could see a line of people trying to catch her eye to offer their seat.  They really had a keen eye.  I wouldn't say that people seemed particularly happy or excited to give up their seat, but when duty called, they were ready.

It snowed a lot the last few days we were there and after a lot of snow, comes a lot of melting snow.  As the snow melted it would slip off roofs or awnings.  One time in particular we had just gotten off the tram and a mother and her young daughter were unlucky enough to have a lot of snow fall on them as they were walking along the street.  Immediately a group of people circled them and helped them brush the snow off.  It was amazing to see.  There really were about 4 or 5 people helping them.

I thought, OK, New Yorkers are just helpful when it comes to somewhat vulnerable women and children in the city.  Nope.  When we were walking around the Met (which was so freakin' awesome, by the way), Kraft dropped his map and another guy walking by immediately picked it up for him.  No hesitation.

I know New York City isn't perfect.  I know there are lots of problems.  But, man, after last week, I have a whole new respect for New Yorkers.  I really liked their hospitality.  It was a really humble kind.  A kind that did not expect any gratitude at all.

Thanks New York City, for having our backs.

Another way I like to think about Jesus' Transfiguration is seeing people transformed in front of me.  I believe that the true identity of a person is what they would be like if they were perfect.  Not perfect as in perfect hair and makeup.  Perfect in the way Jesus was perfect.  True, none of us is perfect but we have to strive to this Jesus perfection and when we attain that (hopefully in heaven) that is our true self. 

When I catch people being selfless or showing love to others, that's when I feel like I am watching that person's transfiguration.  On a smaller level than Jesus shining bright as light but transfigured nonetheless.  Like today when I saw one of my old students giving the Eucharist to an old woman in the back of the church because she was unable to walk to the front - that was him transfigured before me for a second.  I know he isn't always perfect, but in that moment he was Jesus in the love he showed the woman.

I felt that same way about New York this past week.  Kraft had to go to a Paulist thing so me and O tagged along so that I could visit one of my best friends, S.  I was totally floored by the hospitality that was shown to me and O.  Seriously.  Floored.  People took care of us everywhere we went in NYC.  I'll blog about it more at length in the next few days but it was beautiful.  New York was transfigured in front of our eyes. 

While New York has its problems, we saw of glimpse of its perfection. 

Today's Gospel reading (being the second Sunday of Lent) was the Transfiguration.  I have always loved this reading, even before I really had any idea what it meant theologically.  Since I was younger I just always loved the mental image of Jesus being transformed in front of the disciples.  Jesus becoming as bright as light.

I really loved Fr. Bill's homily today.  He started with a story about Mother Teresa.  After her death, her spiritual director came out with a book about her spirituality.  Apparently when Mother Teresa was a young nun (in her 40s) she heard the voice of God telling her to go do something "beautiful".  She literally heard the voice of God.  She described the feeling as being taken up to heaven for a split second.  She heard this 5 times in subsequent days and then she never heard it again.  We know now how much Mother Teresa struggled spiritually and how on her deathbed she did not feel the presence of God.  For the rest of her life she ached to hear the voice of God again.  But while she was experiencing this spiritual angst, she continued to follow God's voice and do something "beautiful" which was to work with the dying, depressed, decrepit, disgusting, downtrodden.

Fr. Bill likened this to what the disciples saw in the Transfiguration.  For a second, Peter, John, and James saw Christ transformed as the King and Son of God that He is.  Up until this point they had seen miracles, they believed in Him, but this was proof they could see with their own eyes.  They were given a glimpse of heaven.  Peter babbled on about three tents because he wanted to stay there in that moment but Jesus said no.  They needed to move on to Jerusalem.  This was just a glimpse of the glory of Jesus.

Whenever we have these moments where we know we are hearing God's voice or feel that we are truly in the presence of God our soul is filled with a feeling a wholeness and rest.  But as quickly as we feel this, it is gone in the next breath.  We can't remain in that moment.  It's heaven.  It's the gift that we can hope God mercifully gives us at our death.  We're not meant to always feel this but we can be grateful that God chooses to give us these little snippets of Love and we can remember them when we feel that God is absent in our lives or feel that God is not answering our prayers.  As Mother Teresa knew, our Christian hope keeps us from true misery.  Even is we feel God has abandoned us, we can trust fully and wholly that God is there.