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So we are on Day 8 of sleep training.  At the end of it I’ll give a summative evaluation of our progress which should be like day 14 or so. 

But for now I am pretty pissed at Kim West or the “Sleep Lady” as she likes to call herself.  So let’s put aside that she calls herself the “Sleep Lady” and that her method is called the “Sleep Lady Shuffle”.  And let’s put aside that parents that have been sleep-deprived for over half a year have no patience for cutesy little titles, they just want their baby sleeping. 

When it comes down to it, she is a moneychanger.  You know, like the people that Jesus overturned their tables and kicked them out of the Temple.  Yeah, she’s one of those.  She exploits the desperate.  I don’t mind at all paying full price for books or whatever but she wrote her book with the express intention of making more money off of it.  She is a licensed social worker or something so I’m sure she is worth a hefty price for her private consulations.  But you can call her for private over-the-phone consultations.  For one hour it is $150, for her full services it is $450, and to join her online forum just to ask a few questions in public, it is $40.  Gimme a break.  Who can pay that?  I’m sure few can pay it but many make the sacrifice because they’re so desperate for help.

At one point we were actually desperate enough to entertain the idea of paying the $450 because the Squeaker is such a tough case and then we came to our senses and just bought her book. 

But, the thing is, she writes just enough in her book for you to get the basics of the method but not enough to actually get you through it.  All the other sleep books I’ve read definitely answer as many common questions as they can think of.  Kim West doesn’t.  And I’m not talking specific questions like:

• What do I do when my daughter has asthma and was 6 weeks premature and my husband smokes and we have a cat in an efficiency apartment? 

I want the answer to very common problems that have come up that everyone I’m sure has.  Like:

• What do we do when she wakes up from her nap and has not slept a full hour?  Do we just chalk it up as a bad nap or do we put her back down and start over?

• What happens if she starts teething in the middle of the training?  Do we have to stick to whatever routine we’re doing that day or can we back up a few days and be a little closer to her crib?

• How does the method change when you live in a one bedroom apartment and her crib is in your room?

She kinda touches on these questions but doesn’t explain the answers in enough detail to actually give you an answer.  I like to give people the benefit of the doubt but in this case I’m pretty sure she doesn’t fully answer these questions because she hopes you’ll need to pay for her private services.

I really think that the method of sleep training she figured out is good and effective but I think she is manipulating vulnerable parents.  She’s a moneychanger.

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I’ve been leading up to this for awhile.  We started sleep training the Squeaker on Monday night.  We decided to do everything in one fell swoop -  training her at night to sleep in her crib and also her naps in the crib and night weaning her.  I know, big shock to poor O but I’d rather be completely miserable for a few weeks than kinda miserable for months if we separated each thing.

We are following the “Sleep Lady Shuffle” which means for the first three nights we sit on a chair by the side of her crib and stay there until she falls asleep.  We can talk to her, pat her, but no picking her up unless she is hysterical.  No nursing to sleep, just putting her down “drowsy but awake.”  We have yet to reach hysterical but we have definitely gotten super pissed and completely dejected from O.

Brandon bravely did night 1 duty.  Thank God.  It was much easier for me to deal with her cries when I was in the next room with the door closed watching TV and eating dinner.  On the first night it took O 42mins of crying to fall asleep.  We had yet to see O stand up in her crib from a laying down position.  Come to find out she can do this, and very well I might add.  This has made sleep training almost unbearable.  She pulls up and just cries and screams in our face.  After a while when we don’t pick her up, she just lets her head and arms go limp and slumps over the side of the crib while still sobbing.  It’s heartbreaking.  Truly heartbreaking.  Well, this happened to Brandon on the first night and he laid her down a couple times because she can get up but does not know how to get back down.  But eventually he just let her stay standing to tire her out.  She fell asleep standing up slumped over the crib rail.  Ugh.  Poor thing.  Brandon said he laid her down and she didn’t even flinch. 

Day 2 I had to do naps and sleep time training which was rough.  That’s too much heartache for one day.  It’s too hard to hear your kid cry that much in one day.  The only thing that kept me from caving in after a day of crying was that all this misery would be in vain and we would probably just have to start over at a later date. 

Naps are the worst and so hard to get her to do.  She takes 2 naps a day.  For her morning nap she cried 20mins and slept almost an hour and a half.  Pretty good.  For her afternoon nap she cried 48mins and slept 36mins.  Damn.  But then she only cried for 8mins when I put her to bed at night and she slept for a little over 6 hours.  Tough day so thank God the progress is pretty quick.

Night weaning has been the hardest part for her I think.  She has woken up both nights in the 1-2am hour and the 5-6am hour because these are usually the times she not just snacked but had an all out feast.  She basically cries for these hours but hopefully it’ll get better.  Her doctor has been telling me that she doesn’t need to eat at night since she was 4 months old so I know she can get through the night without eating.

Even though I can see her improving very quickly, ugh, this is  just torture.  I’ve been walking around with the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach for the last 3 days.  This is what I felt like in the days leading up to my first day of teaching.  Nervous.  Sick.  Nauseous.  I know that we have to teach her how to sleep and I know we have to do this for the sake of the whole family but man, it’s hard.  Having to see her sobbing and confused and angry and tired and pressing her little face against the crib slats literally make me sick to my stomach. 

But we’re holding strong.  And praying a lot.  Dear God, just get us through another night.

Ok, ok, I know I said that we were going to start sleep training on Sunday but we went to a friend’s benefit fundraiser so instead we started today.  I’ll blog about our experience tomorrow but for today it is a bittersweet feeling.  The Squeaker has slept in bed with us for almost 9 months.  While it wasn’t always comfortable there are things that I’m going to miss.  So…

10 Things I’m Going to Miss About Bedsharing:

1) When she would wake up and curl up closer to me and then go back to sleep.
2) Getting to see her smile in her sleep.
3) Waking up to her being wide awake and hitting me in the face to wake me up.
4) Watching her roll over to her dad and snuggle up with him to fall asleep.
5) Her thrashing around wildly trying to stay asleep and ending up upside down with her feet at my head.
6) Not having to get out of bed when she wakes up at night.
7) The bed having that great baby smell.
Being able to hear her breathe and not having to worry that she stopped breathing.
9) Feeling very secure about her safety because she was right there.
10) Being able to snuggle with our baby during the rare moment that she isn’t squirming all over the place and getting into everything.

Image by peasap via Flickr

That’s it.  It’s been almost 9 months of the Squeaker’s horrible sleeping and I can’t do it anymore.  I’ve been fighting sleep training this whole time thinking that her sleep will get better.  It’s not and I am so sick of it.  I’m so frustrated with it and starting to get really resentful.  I’ve been fighting the “cry-it-out” thing because I can’t get those silly books out of my head that say if you do this to your baby they give up and feel isolated.  What changed my mind, other than teetering on the brink of insanity, is when I read in one of those stupid books that “a resentful mom is not a good mom.  So if you’re getting resentful you have to change something.”  I agree.  They also said that crying is a natural thing when you’re trying to change your baby’s sleep habits because they are so used to one thing.  The difference is the baby crying alone or crying in your presence.  At least they know you are there.

I’ll take it.  I’ve found a way in between the super-slow gradual way I’ve been doing and the let the kid cry alone way.  It’s called the “Sleep Lady Shuffle”.  For some reason I really don’t like this lady that invented it which I’m sure I’ll expand upon in another post but I like her ideas. 

So I bought her book today and plan on implementing it on Sunday with no turning back.

I would start today if my parents weren’t coming into town tomorrow night.

Just to give you an idea, I started trying to put O to sleep at 6:30 and it is 9:15.  She has slept the following spurts 27mins, 7mins, and 34mins.  She should have been sleeping for the last 2hrs and 45mins and she has slept only 1hr and 8mins and the rest has been me working hard to get her to sleep.  Can’t do it.  I don’t like being angry at my baby for something that isn’t her fault.  It’s my fault.  I haven’t taught her to sleep and I’ve failed as a parent in that regard.  But not anymore.  Sunday is the day.  Sunday…

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Right off the bat I know that this is a great problem to have.  Being in a position to be looking for a house is such a blessing and one that many don’t have at the moment so I promise I’m not complaining.  I just have no idea what to do.

So we’ve been looking for a house for a month and half and we’ve looked at tons online and a lot in person not the mention the countless times we’ve just driven aimlessly through neighborhoods hoping the perfect house would show up on sale.

We are quickly realizing that we’re not going to find a house in 78704 like we hoped so we’ve started looking at other parts of Austin.  It’s tough because we have gotten so spoiled.  We can walk anywhere and it’s so important to us to be able to walk somewhere.  Even just to a park or to some shops or restaurants. 

Here’s what we’re really trying to discern.  We have found some great houses in the Mueller development and we may have found a few good ones on the east side off of Fiesta Gardens.  Mueller is so convenient and the houses are new and there are parks and pools and a great, close-knit community, it’s super safe but it is a suburb.  It seems a little forced, fake.  The east side on the other hand is just “real”.  We wouldn’t be living in a homogeneous place.  It would be very diverse.  The Squeaker would know people from all walks of life but safety is more of a concern.  Would we be comfortable walking at night?  The house we would live in would be nicer than others on the block.  Would we be paranoid about being targeted for break-ins?

We just can’t figure out what the best thing for our family would be.  We’re open to suggestions/advice if you got ‘em.

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Yesterday was my first Mother’s Day (with a baby not on the inside of me) and it was great.  Olivia was so thoughtful and got me exactly what I wanted (kitchen gadgets) and Kraft has promised a 6-pack of my favorite beer next time we’re near Specs.  And we’re going to Alamo Drafthouse’s baby day and watching Babies tomorrow.  I am sooo excited about it.

So I was thinking and reflecting on what it means to be a mother and I started thinking about what it takes to be a mother. 

“It’s important to not make the decision based on fear.”
If you’ve known me for any reasonable amount of time you know that the issue of “planning” kids is one that I am constantly thinking about, reading about, discussing, reflecting on, etc.  I don’t always understand the decisions that people make but I know they are doing what they think is best for the family.  When it comes to me and Kraft making decisions about kids, I have yet to come up with a better answer than – leave God in control of it. 

If me and Kraft were in charge of our fertility I’m not sure we’d ever have a kid.  Having a kid is inconvenient, uncomfortable, expensive (and completely wonderful, but that’s besides the point).  If we were planning it I don’t know if we’d ever think we had enough money or were in a place good enough in our relationship to have a kid.  So from the beginning we decided we have to leave it up to God.  It was very tempting to say after the Squeaker was born that we want to space kids out, that we want to figure out how to be parents, that we need to save up some money, but when it came down to it we were just plain scared of getting pregnant right away. 

I was discussing this with a friend and honestly just trying to see if I could come up with a reason that would convince me that the situation was grave enough to use NFP to not conceive a child.  In our conversation we came to the conclusion that when it comes to making major decisions like this we cannot let fear dictate our decision.  Just because we were scared of getting pregnant again quickly does not mean that we should take it into our own hands.  So we decided to leave it in God’s hands (obviously always the right choice but of course the hardest) and here we are 8 months later and not pregnant yet.  God knows what we need.  And if I had gotten pregnant in these last 8 months, God would know what He was doing sending us that baby.

“Always button baby clothes from the bottom up.”
At one of my baby showers everyone wrote advice for us new parents and this was one of the few suggestions that I think about constantly.  Whenever I’m putting O in her pajamas, I always start from the top with the buttons and I always miss a button by the time I get to the end and I think about this advice card.  I should know to start from the bottom by now but I never do.  Such a simple piece of advice but so right on.

“If you don’t buy me the candy I’m going to tell grandma that I saw you kissing daddy’s peepee.”
A horrible embarrassing story that I read about in some parenting magazine.  The little kid yelled this at her mom when they were trying to check out at the grocery store.  Being a mom requires such humility in so many different ways.  Carrying added baby weight when I’ve always been so self-conscious about weight.  Walking around UT with O by myself and getting looks of shock from students/parents walking around. (We always joke that I should put on a UT tshirt and hang out with O and the stroller in front of some sorority house just for laughs.)  Having O scream at the top of her lungs in a restaurant or totally meltdown in public and getting ugly looks.  Breastfeeding in public when there is no other recourse.  Looking frumpy in public because O just wouldn’t let me do anything to make myself presentable that morning.  Moms have got to have such thick skin.

“You just never know what’s going to happen in life so really enjoy it and be thankful.”
On our first flight with O we sat next to this absolutely wonderful lady.  She was telling us how much she wanted a big family but her husband divorced her after they had their first kid and she never remarried or had any other kids.  I know, sad huh?  But she’s so right.  We may want a huge family but that doesn’t mean that God has other plans.  Maybe God will only send us O for the rest of our lives.  So we have to be so thankful and enjoy every moment with O because maybe we won’t walk this newborn part again.

“No storm can shake my inmost calm while to that rock I’m clinging.  Since Love is Lord of heaven and how can I keep from singing.”
This is a hymn from church that I constantly have to sing to keep sane.  It’s kinda like my mantra.  When I feel like I’m about to lose it because I’m so frustrated with O I sing this in my heard and picture me holding onto the rock of sanity and it helps me calm down.  God always sends me the grace to calm down when I ask for it.

“9:20 sleep, 9:55 awake, 10:35 sleep, 10:37 awake, 10:45 sleep, 10:55 awake, 11:05 sleep, 11:45 awake, 11:48 asleep, 11:55 awake, 12:08 asleep, 1:22 awake,  1:40 sleep, 4:00 awake, 5:00 sleep, 6:20 awake, 7:45 sleep, 10:30 awake”
This is O’s sleep log from a night in January.  We have had some really rough nights.  She’s not much better at sleeping.  She still sleeps at least one good 3 hour block but other than that wakes up about every hour but it’s much easier to put her back to sleep than it used to be.  Patience is the name of the game.  And sometimes I lose at the game but everyday is a new day.

So here’s to all the moms that have to be not afraid, practical, humble, thankful, sane, patient, and a million other things to keep the family running. 

Happy (belated) Mother’s Day.

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We have some good friends that have recently decided to pursue an job opportunity far from Austin.  It is a great, great opportunity for them but we are so sad to see them go.  They will be missed dearly. 

When they were trying to decide whether or not to take it they told me that usually they know the right decision to make is the more uncomfortable one.  I believe that statement holds so much wisdom.

It reminded me of a prayer that I wrote in my journal years ago…

Prayer of Sir Francis Drake:

Disturb us, Lord, when We are too well pleased with ourselves,
When our dreams have come true
Because we have dreamed too little,
When we arrived safely
Because we sailed too close to the shore.

Disturb us, Lord, when
With the abundance of things we possess
We have lost our thirst
For the waters of life;
Having fallen in love with life,
We have ceased to dream of eternity
And in our efforts to build a new earth,
We have allowed our vision
Of the new Heaven to dim.

Disturb us, Lord, to dare more boldly,
To venture on wider seas
Where storms will show your mastery;
Where losing sight of land,
We shall find the stars.
We ask You to push back
The horizons of our hopes;
And to push into the future
In strength, courage, hope, and love.

Amen, brother.

Image by lib_rachel via Flickr

I always knew that once I became a mom that I would learn plenty of lessons the hard way.  These are 2 that I learned last week.

1) Overnight diapers do, in fact, work. 

For more nights than I wish to admit, the Squeaker has been peeing so much at night that it has saturated the diaper and I wake up to find her lying on a big wet spot.  So we bought overnight diapers.  I didn’t really believe that they worked and just thought it was a trick to charge more for diapers.  So after using it for about 1 week with no peeing on the bed I was getting O ready for bed and forgot to put her in an overnight diaper.  I realized it as I was buttoning up her jammies.  Eh, I got lazy.  I didn’t want to take off her clothes and throw away a perfectly good diaper.  Bad choice.  At 5am O woke up crying, I rolled her toward me to feed her back to sleep and felt her whole back soaked.  Crap.  I rolled her over and found a wet spot that went from the top of her head to the tips of her toes.  Lesson learned.  Overnight diaper work and must be worn…overnight.

2) Kale does not puree.

I was so excited to buy some nice looking kale at the farmers market and mush it up for O’s dinner the next night.  Boy was I wrong.  I steamed it for about 40 minutes then threw it in the blender.  It’s too hearty.  I couldn’t get it mushy enough even after I added a ton of water.  Gross.  So I had partly pureed purple kale that I could not feed O.  I had to do something with it so I put it in a soup I made soon after.  It turned the color of the soup into a purpley, brown goo looking mess and because it wasn’t fully pureed there were little bits of kale floating in it.  It looked like dirty soup.

Lesson learned.

I’ve been working on this story for a while now and it was published this morning!  Woohoo!

Check it out and comment on it if you’d like

La Lupe

For a long time I’ve been toying with different ideas that I can do to work from home.  There’s been starting up a monogramming business, a school lunch business, a child care business, heck, I’ve even thought of personal cook business where I make food that can be frozen for on-the-go moms that don’t have time to cook breakfast/lunch/dinner.  I hope writing works out.  It’s the most viable.  All the other things I would have to acquire new skills.